ceres_libera (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ceres_libera) wrote2010-01-24 07:08 pm
ceres_libera) wrote2010-01-24 07:08 pm
Switch 49/50
Title: "Switch" (49/50)
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ceres_libera
Rating: R
Summary: The life and times of Leonard H. McCoy MD/PhD … If Leonard McCoy's life could get any fucking weirder, it would be … Jesus, he didn't even want to think what that could possibly mean, because it's already been too fucking weird to make any kind of rational sense.
Canon: Based in the ST:XI universe, but strongly influenced by all canon ST-verses.
Characters: McCoy/Kirk, with eventual appearances by all other ST:XI characters.
Notes: :: waves :: Here I am, with a new part that may or may not be the penultimate post. Why so cagey? Because I didn't complete the outline for this chapter, as I tried to cram too much into it. So. Maybe another part and an epilogue?
+
"Patty darlin', I am so very sorry," Leo said as he walked swiftly across the anteroom. Patty, curled up in the corner of one of the armchairs that stood sentry next to the low-backed and distinctly uncomfortable couches, looked up in surprise from the PADD she was reading, an open bag of rice crackers next to her. Leo fidgeted uncomfortably, aware of the double import of his words after they'd been said. "To keep you waiting so long," he added, his words rushing over each other. "You must be starving."
Patty smiled softly, but her eyes narrowed slightly as she looked up at Leo, waving her bag of snacks. "I had a little something to take the edge off," she said. "No worries."
Leo sighed in frustration, looking at his friend with a doctor's eyes. Despite the presence of the snacks, she looked a bit hollow in the cheek, and her eyes betrayed both her lack of sleep and her sorrow. Leo held out his hand and Patty took it, allowing him to pull her small, curvy form from the chair and up against him in a hug. Wrapping his arms around her only confirmed what he'd assessed, and he was determined that this was going to be one meal that he'd make sure that she ate. "All that will be left in the mess is the dregs," he complained, "but if we go the O Club, we can get something good."
Patty leaned back and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Hungry?" she asked in an arch tone before she added. "Are we skipping meals – or just burning lots of calories?"
There was a secretive smile curving her lips as she spoke, despite the shadows in her green eyes, and Leo smiled back down at her, happy to see it, even as he blushed a bit at her astute observation and the memory it conjured up. He'd been woken by Jim well before the sun was up, by a hand on his cheek and earnest kisses. Jim had made love to him in the silence, only the rustling of the sheets and the sounds they made breaking the peacefulness. Jim had been intent and serious, his eyes never leaving Leo's for long as he bent over him, driving in and out, sending them both soaring. He'd kissed Leo in the aftermath, long and sweet and serious, and Leo knew that Jim was telling him the words he could not yet say, could feel it in the tightness of Jim's grasp as he wrapped his arms around him, not in desperation but with possession. Jim had never had much to call his own, not really, and now that he had Leo, he wasn't particularly shy about claiming ownership. Of course, Leo thought with a wry smile, thinking back over the weekend they'd shared, Jim wasn't particularly shy about much of anything.
He blinked and looked down at Patty, letting the smile stay on his face. "Patty darlin'," he said, "a gentlemen does not kiss and tell. Besides," he added mischievously, "you know that bureaucratic fuckwittery always makes me ravenous." He let her go, only stopping to grab her hand and the PADD that she'd left on the chair as he towed her behind him, laughing.
"You do turn a phrase, Lieutenant Commander," she said impishly.
"Darlin', I'm just a lowly Cadet in these reds, and if you think that they didn't fucking remind me of that every five minutes for the past five plus hours, well … " Leo shook his head as he savagely punched the call button for the turbolift.
Patty looked up at him, worry creasing her brow. "But Buckley's in there with you, right? And she's been on your side since you saved her grandson. And then there's Boyce, and Vattern's the head of surgery, so …"
They stepped into the empty lift and Leo punched in the sub-basement destination. "He's never been a fan," Leo said. "I'm not enough of a suck-up."
"Len," Patty said with emphasis. "You're not a suck-up at all, but … he's enough of an egotist that anyone who's as skilled as you are is a credit to him." Leo rolled his eyes as Patty chuckled and continued on, "and let's face it, the Pike surgery was huge. The vids of it are being watched like they're bootleg porn."
Leo looked at her in surprise.
"Seriously," she said. "Even I've seen parts of it and you know I hate surgery." She bumped her shoulder against his bicep. "But, I did enjoy getting to casually drop into the conversation that we're like this." She held up her hand with her index and medius pressed up against each other.
"Always," Leo said firmly, wrapping an arm around her and using his height and bulk to shoulder his way into the stream of Academy personnel using the underground tunnels to avoid the raw San Francisco day above ground. He ignored the stares that his presence caused, still unnerved by his sudden notoriety.
"I know," Patty said softly, when they stood waiting for a turbolift up to the Officer's Mess. She had clearly noticed the young women across from them who were openly gaping at Leo as they whispered.
"Was I on the goddamned newsvids again?" Leo growled as they moved into the blessedly unoccupied lift.
Patty frowned and flipped through the display on the wall comm, shaking her head. "It's probably just the vids of the operation," she said with a shrug and then added. "Although, seriously? Poor Jim."
"What now?" Leo asked, as they debarked from the elevator.
"He can't go to the bathroom without someone taking a vid of him," Patty said, shrugging.
Leo signaled 'two' to the maitre d' and waved Patty in front of him as they walked into the mostly empty dining room. "He's pretty concerned that his time off-world is going to come up," Leo said circumspectly as they were handed menus, looking at her over his.
Patty's glance back was incisive. "He's right to be worried about that," she said, nodding. "I'm sure it will come out. He should have a strategy about how to deal with it."
Leo snorted. "This is Jim we're talking about," he said. "Strategius should have been his middle name rather than Tiberius."
"Is that even a word?" Patty laughed.
"No," Leo answered, smiling. "I think it's consilius, but c'mon, Strategius sounds better."
Patty smiled at him, then dropped her voice as she asked. "Is he worried about anything else coming out?"
Leo spoke without thought, and then could have kicked himself in the balls after he said, "If he was then he wouldn't be worth my time." He immediately closed his eyes in anguish, cheeks burning. He reached across the table and grabbed Patty's hand. "I'm an asshole," he said.
"No," Patty said softly, squeezing his hand. "You're just honest." There were tears in her eyes. "I've uh …" she sighed. "I've done a lot of thinking about Shohreh in the past few weeks, long before this … all happened." Patty wiped at her eyes with her napkin as the waiter came to take their order, only continuing on after he left. "I had already started back in therapy."
Leo nodded wordlessly trying to encourage her to speak, reaching out to take her hand again.
"So …" Patty said. "No conclusions, but I know that you know that we both have to guard against the urge to heal our lovers, and the ego gratification that comes with that, the power that we feel when we effect change."
"Oh, yeah," Leo said, nodding. "There was a lot of that in my marriage –" he stopped himself thinking, "and I almost started down that road again."
"What stopped you?" Patty asked curiously.
"Jim," Leo said clearly. "You know, he'd be the first one to admit that he's fucked up, but that doesn't mean that he wants me to fix him." He shook his head. "Hard lesson for me to learn. Harder still for me to accept that I'm pretty fucked up myself."
Patty squeezed his hand. "I love you so much," she said to Leo in a watery voice. "And I know that you know what I mean by that."
"Patty darlin'," Leo said. "I am so sorry about Shohreh."
She nodded, the tears in her eyes spilling over her lower lashes. "You know what's weird?" she asked, then continued on without waiting for Leo to respond. "She's dead and I know that, I mean, I feel it, but …" she shook her head, "in so many ways, her being dead allows me to really grieve everything that she threw away between us." She paused, and Leo lifted their intertwined hands to wipe away her tears. "And to be angry with her. Really, really angry with her."
"For leaving you in such a final way?" Leo asked quietly.
"Not the way you think," Patty said, and Leo could hear the strength of the anger that she was holding back. "You know, we didn't see a lot of each other while you were dating Ellie Pierson – and I'm sorry about that --" she added, referring to Ellie's death. "Anyway, Shohreh and I … we were together on and off throughout that whole period, and I convinced myself that I was persuading her back to me … right up until the instant that she told me that she was pregnant."
Leo quelled his outburst as the waiter returned with their salads. "Oh, darlin'," was all he said in a sorrowful voice.
"You know, Len," Patty said, cutting her vegetables with uncharacteristic savagery. "Up until just that instant, I'd convinced myself that she wasn't still having sex with her husband. And she helped me along in that delusion," she said. "She fed me enough tidbits about her unhappiness that I just …" she waved her fork in the air as she spoke, "believed what I wanted to believe. Delusion," she said, pointing her fork at him. "It's not just for crazy people."
"Patty," Leo said, and his voice was a tad sharp. "I think that you're being very hard on yourself."
"Yeah, well, you should hear me talking to Shohreh at night when I'm alone," she said caustically. "Because even though she's dead, there are still things I wanted to say, things … I don't know if I can ever forgive her for, Leonard." She was quiet for a moment, looking at him. "She was not the person that I had convinced myself that she was," Patty said firmly. "She was far more devious than I'd given her credit for."
Leo opened his mouth to object again, but Patty shook her head and ran right over his words.
"No," she said firmly. "You know how that works, I know you do, because I remember when you told me about your ex-, and how it had gradually dawned on you that you were very different people, before it all disintegrated. Anyway, I saw her with her husband one night."
Leo started at her words, almost choking on his lettuce. He raised an eyebrow at Patty.
"Oh, don't give me the eyebrow," Patty said. "It's not like I was stalking her, or anything. Stop it, seriously, Len," she said, before continuing on. "But … I did know that she was going to this particular fundraiser in town because she'd asked me if I was going, and when I said 'no' she seemed relieved. So. I said yes to the invite and got dressed up and went late and basically lurked until I saw them, laughing and kissing on the dance floor, and …"
Leo reached for her hand again, but Patty waved him off. "No," she said. "I don't want sympathy, not really." She stabbed at her salad. "The worst part?"
"What?" Leo asked, already suspecting.
"I think that she got off on the deception," she said. "Deceiving both of us, me and her husband. I made sure that she saw me that night." She nodded, lost in thought. "Watched how her eyes widened when she saw me, saw the fear of exposure, but there was an element there, like …" Patty narrowed her eyes "anticipation -- almost excitement. She would have loved for me to have made a dramatic scene."
"What did you do?" Leo said, and in his mind's eye, he was seeing Jocelyn in their bed with her lover, the way he'd found them the last night he called their place home, feeling how everything Patty was saying resonated with his own experience.
"I didn't do anything," Patty said simply, "I stood there and finished my glass of champagne, watching her, and then I left."
Leo nodded. "She knew that you knew."
"Yeah," Patty said. "I never spoke to her again. She commed me. She came by. I told her there was nothing more to say, and left it at that." She was pensive for a couple of minutes, pushing her greens around on the plate. "I think that she would have been perfectly happy to continue on the way we had been, even with a child involved. What's really hard for me, on a personal level, is how I missed the signs of her narcissism."
Leo shifted in his seat at her words, grateful for the interruption of the waiter with their entrees. He loved Jim more than anything in the universe, but that didn't mean that he didn't recognize that he was a classic narcissist in many ways.
"C'mon," Patty said. "It barely counts if he can back up his egotism with actually saving the universe."
Leo's smile was wry. "You know what's funny? He's kinda … I won't say embarrassed, because really, I don't know what it would take to embarrass Jim, but he's repeatedly emphasized that he didn't do it himself. For a while there, he was really focused on me getting him on the Enterprise as being the key to the whole cascade of events."
Patty's smile was soft. "I'm sure to him it was."
Leo looked up at her.
"You have to know how much that meant to him," she said. "I don't know him half as well as you do, but I know that he hasn't been used to having anyone to depend upon -- until you. That's huge for him. And I saw how the crew was with him that day when you debarked. It was clear to me that he's already won their loyalty -– despite the bonding that would have occurred under the extreme circumstances, that tells me that his leadership qualities are pretty profound."
Leo was nodding.
"Tell me what's bugging you," Patty said gently.
"Pike is sure that they're going to certify Jim's field promotion," Leo answered, gripping his fork. "And considering the decimation of the ranks that's occurred, he's also sure that they're going to make me a CMO."
"They'd be fools not to," Patty said. "Your own leadership qualities might be less apparent than Jim's, but they are nonetheless there."
"I know I'm a bossy so-and-so, darlin'," he said gruffly.
Patty smiled at him, and took a bite of her pasta. She tilted her head and looked at him with her warm, insightful eyes, waiting, and he sighed again. "What if we're assigned to opposite ends of the galaxy?" he asked, hearing the rawness of his question as it was voiced aloud, his darkest fear exposed.
"What does Jim say?" Patty asked.
Leo flapped a hand at her, slicing off a wedge of his salmon. "He tells me not to worry so much, that it's all going to work out."
"Captains do get to choose their command staff," Patty said reasonably.
"Who in their right mind would let an inexperienced Captain pick an inexperienced crew? Because if Jim got to choose, I have no doubt that he'd pick all the same people we flew with last time."
"As I recall," Patty said mildly. "You did rather well on your first mission."
"Lightning doesn't strike twice," Leo said snappishly.
"Except when it does," Patty said, not at all ruffled by his temper. She leaned over and put a finger on the ring that sat on Leo's minimus. "This is Jim's, isn't it?" she asked.
"It was his Dad's," Leo said gruffly, watching as Patty's eyes widened.
"Wow." Patty's voice was low and heartfelt as she looked at Leo. "You have to know what this ring really means," she said, "right?"
"He told me that he wanted me to hold onto it for him," Leo said. "That's all."
"Oh, come on!" Patty said. "He gave you what amounts to his most prized possession for safekeeping. He's telling you that he'll always come back to you, marked you with it."
Leo thought about the way Jim touched the ring sometimes, the expression that he got on his face when he looked at it on Leo's hand, and flushed.
"You know what you've always said to me about Jim?" she asked. "I wouldn't bet against him." Patty smiled. "Take your own advice, doctor." She patted his hand and then withdrew her own, returning to her lunch. "And eat up. You're going to need your strength is my guess."
Leo raised his eyebrow at her, but she only smirked at him.
+
By the end of the second debriefing session of the day, Leo was so ready to see the outside of the room that he struggled not to run from it like a kid headed for summer break. He supposed that he should be grateful that this afternoon’s debriefing had been mind-numbingly boring as opposed to grueling, with the Admirals on the panel reviewing the transcripts from the previous week’s depositions and asking for clarification on a number of items, most of them related to his taking command after Dr. Puri’s death. He'd been chastised over some of his answers on paperwork, but he’d stifled the urge to roll his eyes and said ‘yessir’ and had waited, impatiently, until the next question rolled in, while the Admirals scrolled through screens and made the occasional note with their styluses. He had tried not to fidget, or sigh, or to daydream about Jim and their weekend together. Although thinking about that, even briefly, caused his cock to twitch and his stomach to clench with longing, and he'd been forced to think about the most gruesome autopsies he'd ever performed to get control of himself.
He looked around the crowded anteroom, hoping against hope to see Jim's beloved figure somewhere. Unfortunately, instead of Jim he saw Spock, talking to some members of the Admiralty that Leo didn't recognize, his back so rigid that Leo's eyes narrowed. Almost despite himself, he found that he had made his way across the room.
"Commander," he said politely, schooling his expression not to reflect his surprise when Spock turned to him with something that looked like relief, although his posture only relaxed fractionally from its overly formal stiffness.
"Lieutenant Commander McCoy," Spock answered. "Admiral L'Ental, Admiral Sharis, this is Doctor Leonard McCoy, who served as Acting CMO on the Enterprise in its most recent engagement."
The Admirals nodded at Leo, but their glances were more dismissive than friendly.
"Doctor McCoy performed the neurological grafting on Captain Pike," Spock added, and Leo squelched his astonishment at the implied compliment.
"Ah …" one of the Admirals said. "I hear that is likely to be successful in the long run."
"We hope so," Leo said, nodding pleasantly before he asked Spock. "Have you completed your debriefings?"
"For the day, yes," Spock said in his precise fashion. "We reconvene tomorrow morning. And you, Doctor?"
"We're adjourned until further notice," Leo said, "but the debriefing wasn't closed."
Spock nodded. "In case they wish to confer with you on any matter that the Acting Captain or I might bring forth."
"I guess," Leo said. If he and Spock were alone, he might have made further comment on the asininity of the bureaucratic process that was Starfleet, but it was clear that no matter how boring his day had been, Spock's had been grueling. He could only wonder what that meant for Jim. "Have you seen the Acting Captain?"
"No," Spock said. "Although I believe that he is still in Conference Room 1. Forgive me for ending our conversation, Doctor, but I must conclude my discussion with the Admirals. I'll see you on Wednesday?"
"Yes," Leo said grimly. Without thought, he grasped Spock's shoulder and gave it squeeze. It was an utterly illogical move on his part –- not only were he and Spock not really friendly, he'd barely forgiven Spock for stranding Jim on Delta Vega –- but there was something about Spock's posture that let him know that the other man needed the support. "Until then?"
"Yes," Spock said, but he was staring at Leo in a way that made Leo wonder how much information Spock could glean from a touch even without skin to skin contact. "Thank you, Doctor."
Leo nodded and turned away.
+
It was a relief to be in the hospital with its familiar smells of antisepsis. Leo would never say that they were pleasant, but they were olfactory signals of a place he belonged, at least during the work day. The nights were Jim's, and despite Patty's words encouraging him to be hopeful, to trust in Jim's ability to get what he wanted despite the odds, he couldn't help but worry about what he would do, about how empty his life would be, if he were separated from Jim for months at a time.
He synched his PADD at the nurse's station on Pike's floor, getting a download of his latest data that he was reading as he walked into the Captain's room, only stopping on the threshold when he realized that the man was not alone.
"Doctor."
Leo could hear the warmth in the elderly Vulcan's voice, and he wondered if this then, was the true reason for his lack of antipathy toward his counterpart earlier. "Ambassador," he said, "I'm surprised to see you here."
"No doubt," the elder Spock said, "and I'm sure that you wish to confer with the Captain privately. I was merely stopping in to say thanks before I moved on to my next charge."
Leo's confusion was evident in his face, he was sure, if Pike's wry expression was any indicator. "Oh?"
"T'enev is going to be staying at my home in the Mojave," Pike said clearly.
"She's being discharged?" Leo asked with a pang. He'd been meaning to stop in and see the woman, but hadn't found the time to do so.
"It's for the best, Doctor," the Ambassador said with assurance. "And Captain Pike's suggestion is a good one. The peaceful desert environment is not the same as our home, of course, but the similarity will be beneficial, along with the air and the quiet."
"I don't believe it's good for her to go alone," Leo said.
"She will not be," the elder Spock said, "although I will not be staying for more than the night. She travels with a Vulcan healer, and also a Dr. Pak."
Leo's gaze swung over to Pike.
"He needs a break almost as much as he needs to be useful," Pike said with a shrug.
"Indeed," the elder Spock said, grasping Pike's hand with affection and without hesitation. "You will remember what I said, young Christopher."
"I'm unlikely to forget it," Pike said, covering their clasped hands with his free one, before the Ambassador broke away.
"Leo," the Vulcan said, laying his hand on Leo's shoulder. "I shall convey your regards to T'enev." His lips thinned in a manner that Leo chose to interpret as a smile, albeit one that would leave his reputation intact should a member of the staff choose to walk in at that moment.
"Please do," Leo said, reaching up to grasp the elderly man's elbow.
Spock nodded. "It's always a pleasure to see your face, old friend, however briefly." His dark eyes looked into Leo in a way that made him feel that all his secrets were exposed. "And even moreso to see that all is well." He looked at Leo a moment longer. "Yes," he said firmly, then let go of him and moved to the doorway. "As always, gentleman," he said, turning to salute them in the Vulcan fashion from the threshold. "Live long and prosper."
Pike returned the salute, as did Leo unthinkingly, and then he was gone in a swish of the door.
"He's kind of like a superhero, isn't he?" Pike said drily.
Leo turned and looked at him in the bed. "Has he told you much about your alternative self?" he asked, curiously.
"Some, but after a conversation with Jim," Pike said with ill-tempered emphasis. "He's become remarkably closed-mouthed about what he's willing to discuss."
"In Jim's defense," Leo said, "I will say that it was me who postulated the theory that the Ambassador is not from our timeline, a conclusion that the Ambassador came to independently himself."
"Been doing a lot of defending of Jim?" Pike asked, tilting his head to look at Leo.
Leo thought about his response as he reviewed Pike's regenerative progress. "Actually, no," he said, after a minute. "I had to justify my own command decisions after Dr. Puri's death, and my medical decisions in regard to triage and treatment during the crisis, but they haven't really asked my opinion about what we did up there. They did question the fact that I was on the bridge to participate in those discussions, but … other than that, no."
"Conclusions?" Pike asked.
Leo threw up his hands. "I'm hopeless at this kind of shit, Pike," he said. "You tell me."
"My intel says that it's all going to be concluded satisfactorily," Pike said, and then looked down at his legs. "Well. For orders of satisfactorily that include astronomical levels of death and destruction."
Leo bristled. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that Jim is going to get his command, with all that entails," Pike said with emphasis.
"I don't see how anyone in their right mind would –" Leo began.
"Your first mistake," Pike interrupted smoothly, "is to assume that the phrase 'in their right mind' could apply to the Admiralty. Your second mistake is to overlook the importance of the value of the Enterprise crew to Starfleet."
Leo's expression was stony, and he knew it. "PR?" he asked distastefully.
"McCoy," Pike said, as if he were talking to a small child. "It was bad enough when there were seven ships full of experienced hands and promising cadets destroyed out there, but now that we know that the Mayflower was nearby and responded and was destroyed as well …"
Leo nodded. "All those experienced hands," he said gruffly. "I know. I get it."
"Do you?" Pike asked sharply. "Because it's not just about PR –- we are vulnerable, man. And not just Earth, but the Federation itself. The Vulcans may have participated minimally in serving the way Spock –- the younger Spock –- does, but that doesn't mean that we haven't lost diplomats and thinkers, intel, and god, the scientists. If the Romulans want to strike ..." he let that sentence trail off. "Or the Klingons."
"Jesus Christ," Leo said, sitting down heavily.
"Yeah," Pike said. "You're going to be 'graduating' quite soon."
"They're sending us back up there?" Leo knew that it was true, but he needed to hear it said.
"As soon as the Enterprise is ready, and despite the opposition of some members of the Admiralty," Pike said with assurance. "There really is no other choice. But make no doubt about it, McCoy, the Enterprise will be a target, just because of what you're a symbol of."
"You're not going with us, are you?" Leo asked.
"No," Pike said. "But I promise you. I will do everything in my power to support you from down here." Pike's clear gray eyes were focused on Leo. "You have my word."
Leo nodded numbly.
+
Hours later, Leo lay in bed alone, his PADD still on the same screen it had been thirty minutes before when he'd gotten into bed, tired of sitting up and waiting for Jim. After a visibly embarrassed and off-duty casually dressed Christine Chapel had shown up with dinner for herself and Pike, he'd left. He'd gone to the mess and had dinner with Sulu and Chekov, as well as the sad remnants of the KFF, but not Jim, Spock or Uhura. Scotty had waved his sandwich, and then gone back to his conversation which involved drawing on a PADD and yelling with other engineer types including Keenser.
Leo had come back to his room and commed Gram, who appeared to be out for the evening and then he'd tried to watch the news, but gotten disgusted with the coverage of the so-called Narada Incident.
He'd finally gotten in bed to proofread the dissertation that he'd have to be turning in sooner rather than later if Pike was right, but had been unable to focus. He glanced at the chrono in the corner of the screen, displeased to see that it was closing in on 2200 hours and fourteen hours of debriefing for Jim. He had no doubt that was where Jim still was -- especially after his conversation with Pike -- was sure that there were members of the Admiralty that would be petty enough to keep Jim there for hours, simply to prove that they could do so. Tired and hungry as Jim probably was, he was safe, something that Leo wouldn't be able to count on in the near future. Years ago now, he'd told Jim that space was disease and danger, wrapped in darkness and silence. He sighed loudly. He was pretty sure now that he should have reversed the order of those first two.
He shifted in the bed, reaching to drop his PADD on the night stand. He wouldn't sleep until Jim got home, but he was through pretending that he was reading anything. He stretched, and pressed his face into Jim's pillow, deriving some pleasure from the smell of him on their sheets, then stilled, hearing the noise of the lift moving, the sound still unusually loud in the eerie quiet of the mostly empty dorm. A minute later, he heard the sound of Jim's unusually heavy-footed tread as he trudged down the hall, and rolled onto his back again to face the door.
"Hey," Leo said softly as it whisked open to reveal an exhausted-looking Jim, carrying the peacoat he'd already taken off.
"Jesus," Jim complained, toeing off his boots and unzipping his tunic and dropping it on the floor on top of his peacoat as he steadily walked to the bed. He fell face forward onto it, jostling Leo.
"Jim?"
The subject of his query groaned as Leo carded a hand through his hair, his face hidden in his pillow. "I am so fucking tired, Bones," Jim said. His voice was shot, probably from the combination of talking and inadequate hydration.
Leo squeezed the back of Jim's neck and his trapezius muscles. "Did you eat today, Jimmy?" he asked in a low voice. Jim's shrug was the confirmation he needed and he started to shift up and out of the bed when Jim turned with surprising swiftness and pinned him, wrapping his arm over Leo to hold him there, hiding his face in his neck.
"No," Jim said, his voice muffled against Leo. "I need this more than anything else right now."
Leo thought long and hard about arguing with Jim before he decided against it, despite the fact that he hated that Jim was so good at ignoring his body's needs for food and sleep. A lesson he had learned first at the hands of an indifferent caretaker, and then, of course, on Tarsus.
Jim let out a heavy sigh when Leo relaxed and wrapped his arms around his lover. One hand pulled up and squeezed the rigid muscles of Jim's shoulders, while the other pushed up under his undershirt to rub at his back.
"Bones," Jim said in a low groan, his voice slurring.
Leo craned his head back and looked down at Jim, not surprised to see that he was nearly asleep. Jim was never anything other than idiosyncratic, and he supposed that being forced into inactivity for such a long time, having to consistently quell the urge to fidget and to talk back, had been as exhausting for Jim as running a marathon would be for a normal person.
He chuckled at the thought, and Jim shifted and muttered against him, making a whistling noise through his nose that Leo recognized as a consequence of his allergies. He couldn't help that his smile broadened at the soft sound, at all the pieces of secret knowledge that he alone knew about Jim Kirk. Jim might be famous because of what had happened in the past week, and maybe more stories about his past would come out, anecdotes of what he'd been like as a child or an angry teenager. But here, where it was just the two of them, all those opinions were meaningless, because here and now, no one other than Leo would know these things, would be allowed these intimacies.
He stroked one hand through Jim's hair and smoothed the other over the satiny skin on his lower back. If what Pike had said was right, and he had no reason to suppose that it wouldn't be, he needed to learn to revel in the time that they had now, to learn how to be in the moment and stop worrying so much about what was to come. Life was short, Winona had said to him.
He shifted Jim so that he could feel the beat of Jim's heart against his bicep. It wouldn't make much difference if Jim ate now or a few hours from now. And besides, he'd be here when Jim woke up to make sure that he was fine. Leo closed his eyes and let the steady drumbeat of Jim's heart lead him to sleep.
+
Switch 50
Author:
ceres_liberaRating: R
Summary: The life and times of Leonard H. McCoy MD/PhD … If Leonard McCoy's life could get any fucking weirder, it would be … Jesus, he didn't even want to think what that could possibly mean, because it's already been too fucking weird to make any kind of rational sense.
Canon: Based in the ST:XI universe, but strongly influenced by all canon ST-verses.
Characters: McCoy/Kirk, with eventual appearances by all other ST:XI characters.
Notes: :: waves :: Here I am, with a new part that may or may not be the penultimate post. Why so cagey? Because I didn't complete the outline for this chapter, as I tried to cram too much into it. So. Maybe another part and an epilogue?
+
"Patty darlin', I am so very sorry," Leo said as he walked swiftly across the anteroom. Patty, curled up in the corner of one of the armchairs that stood sentry next to the low-backed and distinctly uncomfortable couches, looked up in surprise from the PADD she was reading, an open bag of rice crackers next to her. Leo fidgeted uncomfortably, aware of the double import of his words after they'd been said. "To keep you waiting so long," he added, his words rushing over each other. "You must be starving."
Patty smiled softly, but her eyes narrowed slightly as she looked up at Leo, waving her bag of snacks. "I had a little something to take the edge off," she said. "No worries."
Leo sighed in frustration, looking at his friend with a doctor's eyes. Despite the presence of the snacks, she looked a bit hollow in the cheek, and her eyes betrayed both her lack of sleep and her sorrow. Leo held out his hand and Patty took it, allowing him to pull her small, curvy form from the chair and up against him in a hug. Wrapping his arms around her only confirmed what he'd assessed, and he was determined that this was going to be one meal that he'd make sure that she ate. "All that will be left in the mess is the dregs," he complained, "but if we go the O Club, we can get something good."
Patty leaned back and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Hungry?" she asked in an arch tone before she added. "Are we skipping meals – or just burning lots of calories?"
There was a secretive smile curving her lips as she spoke, despite the shadows in her green eyes, and Leo smiled back down at her, happy to see it, even as he blushed a bit at her astute observation and the memory it conjured up. He'd been woken by Jim well before the sun was up, by a hand on his cheek and earnest kisses. Jim had made love to him in the silence, only the rustling of the sheets and the sounds they made breaking the peacefulness. Jim had been intent and serious, his eyes never leaving Leo's for long as he bent over him, driving in and out, sending them both soaring. He'd kissed Leo in the aftermath, long and sweet and serious, and Leo knew that Jim was telling him the words he could not yet say, could feel it in the tightness of Jim's grasp as he wrapped his arms around him, not in desperation but with possession. Jim had never had much to call his own, not really, and now that he had Leo, he wasn't particularly shy about claiming ownership. Of course, Leo thought with a wry smile, thinking back over the weekend they'd shared, Jim wasn't particularly shy about much of anything.
He blinked and looked down at Patty, letting the smile stay on his face. "Patty darlin'," he said, "a gentlemen does not kiss and tell. Besides," he added mischievously, "you know that bureaucratic fuckwittery always makes me ravenous." He let her go, only stopping to grab her hand and the PADD that she'd left on the chair as he towed her behind him, laughing.
"You do turn a phrase, Lieutenant Commander," she said impishly.
"Darlin', I'm just a lowly Cadet in these reds, and if you think that they didn't fucking remind me of that every five minutes for the past five plus hours, well … " Leo shook his head as he savagely punched the call button for the turbolift.
Patty looked up at him, worry creasing her brow. "But Buckley's in there with you, right? And she's been on your side since you saved her grandson. And then there's Boyce, and Vattern's the head of surgery, so …"
They stepped into the empty lift and Leo punched in the sub-basement destination. "He's never been a fan," Leo said. "I'm not enough of a suck-up."
"Len," Patty said with emphasis. "You're not a suck-up at all, but … he's enough of an egotist that anyone who's as skilled as you are is a credit to him." Leo rolled his eyes as Patty chuckled and continued on, "and let's face it, the Pike surgery was huge. The vids of it are being watched like they're bootleg porn."
Leo looked at her in surprise.
"Seriously," she said. "Even I've seen parts of it and you know I hate surgery." She bumped her shoulder against his bicep. "But, I did enjoy getting to casually drop into the conversation that we're like this." She held up her hand with her index and medius pressed up against each other.
"Always," Leo said firmly, wrapping an arm around her and using his height and bulk to shoulder his way into the stream of Academy personnel using the underground tunnels to avoid the raw San Francisco day above ground. He ignored the stares that his presence caused, still unnerved by his sudden notoriety.
"I know," Patty said softly, when they stood waiting for a turbolift up to the Officer's Mess. She had clearly noticed the young women across from them who were openly gaping at Leo as they whispered.
"Was I on the goddamned newsvids again?" Leo growled as they moved into the blessedly unoccupied lift.
Patty frowned and flipped through the display on the wall comm, shaking her head. "It's probably just the vids of the operation," she said with a shrug and then added. "Although, seriously? Poor Jim."
"What now?" Leo asked, as they debarked from the elevator.
"He can't go to the bathroom without someone taking a vid of him," Patty said, shrugging.
Leo signaled 'two' to the maitre d' and waved Patty in front of him as they walked into the mostly empty dining room. "He's pretty concerned that his time off-world is going to come up," Leo said circumspectly as they were handed menus, looking at her over his.
Patty's glance back was incisive. "He's right to be worried about that," she said, nodding. "I'm sure it will come out. He should have a strategy about how to deal with it."
Leo snorted. "This is Jim we're talking about," he said. "Strategius should have been his middle name rather than Tiberius."
"Is that even a word?" Patty laughed.
"No," Leo answered, smiling. "I think it's consilius, but c'mon, Strategius sounds better."
Patty smiled at him, then dropped her voice as she asked. "Is he worried about anything else coming out?"
Leo spoke without thought, and then could have kicked himself in the balls after he said, "If he was then he wouldn't be worth my time." He immediately closed his eyes in anguish, cheeks burning. He reached across the table and grabbed Patty's hand. "I'm an asshole," he said.
"No," Patty said softly, squeezing his hand. "You're just honest." There were tears in her eyes. "I've uh …" she sighed. "I've done a lot of thinking about Shohreh in the past few weeks, long before this … all happened." Patty wiped at her eyes with her napkin as the waiter came to take their order, only continuing on after he left. "I had already started back in therapy."
Leo nodded wordlessly trying to encourage her to speak, reaching out to take her hand again.
"So …" Patty said. "No conclusions, but I know that you know that we both have to guard against the urge to heal our lovers, and the ego gratification that comes with that, the power that we feel when we effect change."
"Oh, yeah," Leo said, nodding. "There was a lot of that in my marriage –" he stopped himself thinking, "and I almost started down that road again."
"What stopped you?" Patty asked curiously.
"Jim," Leo said clearly. "You know, he'd be the first one to admit that he's fucked up, but that doesn't mean that he wants me to fix him." He shook his head. "Hard lesson for me to learn. Harder still for me to accept that I'm pretty fucked up myself."
Patty squeezed his hand. "I love you so much," she said to Leo in a watery voice. "And I know that you know what I mean by that."
"Patty darlin'," Leo said. "I am so sorry about Shohreh."
She nodded, the tears in her eyes spilling over her lower lashes. "You know what's weird?" she asked, then continued on without waiting for Leo to respond. "She's dead and I know that, I mean, I feel it, but …" she shook her head, "in so many ways, her being dead allows me to really grieve everything that she threw away between us." She paused, and Leo lifted their intertwined hands to wipe away her tears. "And to be angry with her. Really, really angry with her."
"For leaving you in such a final way?" Leo asked quietly.
"Not the way you think," Patty said, and Leo could hear the strength of the anger that she was holding back. "You know, we didn't see a lot of each other while you were dating Ellie Pierson – and I'm sorry about that --" she added, referring to Ellie's death. "Anyway, Shohreh and I … we were together on and off throughout that whole period, and I convinced myself that I was persuading her back to me … right up until the instant that she told me that she was pregnant."
Leo quelled his outburst as the waiter returned with their salads. "Oh, darlin'," was all he said in a sorrowful voice.
"You know, Len," Patty said, cutting her vegetables with uncharacteristic savagery. "Up until just that instant, I'd convinced myself that she wasn't still having sex with her husband. And she helped me along in that delusion," she said. "She fed me enough tidbits about her unhappiness that I just …" she waved her fork in the air as she spoke, "believed what I wanted to believe. Delusion," she said, pointing her fork at him. "It's not just for crazy people."
"Patty," Leo said, and his voice was a tad sharp. "I think that you're being very hard on yourself."
"Yeah, well, you should hear me talking to Shohreh at night when I'm alone," she said caustically. "Because even though she's dead, there are still things I wanted to say, things … I don't know if I can ever forgive her for, Leonard." She was quiet for a moment, looking at him. "She was not the person that I had convinced myself that she was," Patty said firmly. "She was far more devious than I'd given her credit for."
Leo opened his mouth to object again, but Patty shook her head and ran right over his words.
"No," she said firmly. "You know how that works, I know you do, because I remember when you told me about your ex-, and how it had gradually dawned on you that you were very different people, before it all disintegrated. Anyway, I saw her with her husband one night."
Leo started at her words, almost choking on his lettuce. He raised an eyebrow at Patty.
"Oh, don't give me the eyebrow," Patty said. "It's not like I was stalking her, or anything. Stop it, seriously, Len," she said, before continuing on. "But … I did know that she was going to this particular fundraiser in town because she'd asked me if I was going, and when I said 'no' she seemed relieved. So. I said yes to the invite and got dressed up and went late and basically lurked until I saw them, laughing and kissing on the dance floor, and …"
Leo reached for her hand again, but Patty waved him off. "No," she said. "I don't want sympathy, not really." She stabbed at her salad. "The worst part?"
"What?" Leo asked, already suspecting.
"I think that she got off on the deception," she said. "Deceiving both of us, me and her husband. I made sure that she saw me that night." She nodded, lost in thought. "Watched how her eyes widened when she saw me, saw the fear of exposure, but there was an element there, like …" Patty narrowed her eyes "anticipation -- almost excitement. She would have loved for me to have made a dramatic scene."
"What did you do?" Leo said, and in his mind's eye, he was seeing Jocelyn in their bed with her lover, the way he'd found them the last night he called their place home, feeling how everything Patty was saying resonated with his own experience.
"I didn't do anything," Patty said simply, "I stood there and finished my glass of champagne, watching her, and then I left."
Leo nodded. "She knew that you knew."
"Yeah," Patty said. "I never spoke to her again. She commed me. She came by. I told her there was nothing more to say, and left it at that." She was pensive for a couple of minutes, pushing her greens around on the plate. "I think that she would have been perfectly happy to continue on the way we had been, even with a child involved. What's really hard for me, on a personal level, is how I missed the signs of her narcissism."
Leo shifted in his seat at her words, grateful for the interruption of the waiter with their entrees. He loved Jim more than anything in the universe, but that didn't mean that he didn't recognize that he was a classic narcissist in many ways.
"C'mon," Patty said. "It barely counts if he can back up his egotism with actually saving the universe."
Leo's smile was wry. "You know what's funny? He's kinda … I won't say embarrassed, because really, I don't know what it would take to embarrass Jim, but he's repeatedly emphasized that he didn't do it himself. For a while there, he was really focused on me getting him on the Enterprise as being the key to the whole cascade of events."
Patty's smile was soft. "I'm sure to him it was."
Leo looked up at her.
"You have to know how much that meant to him," she said. "I don't know him half as well as you do, but I know that he hasn't been used to having anyone to depend upon -- until you. That's huge for him. And I saw how the crew was with him that day when you debarked. It was clear to me that he's already won their loyalty -– despite the bonding that would have occurred under the extreme circumstances, that tells me that his leadership qualities are pretty profound."
Leo was nodding.
"Tell me what's bugging you," Patty said gently.
"Pike is sure that they're going to certify Jim's field promotion," Leo answered, gripping his fork. "And considering the decimation of the ranks that's occurred, he's also sure that they're going to make me a CMO."
"They'd be fools not to," Patty said. "Your own leadership qualities might be less apparent than Jim's, but they are nonetheless there."
"I know I'm a bossy so-and-so, darlin'," he said gruffly.
Patty smiled at him, and took a bite of her pasta. She tilted her head and looked at him with her warm, insightful eyes, waiting, and he sighed again. "What if we're assigned to opposite ends of the galaxy?" he asked, hearing the rawness of his question as it was voiced aloud, his darkest fear exposed.
"What does Jim say?" Patty asked.
Leo flapped a hand at her, slicing off a wedge of his salmon. "He tells me not to worry so much, that it's all going to work out."
"Captains do get to choose their command staff," Patty said reasonably.
"Who in their right mind would let an inexperienced Captain pick an inexperienced crew? Because if Jim got to choose, I have no doubt that he'd pick all the same people we flew with last time."
"As I recall," Patty said mildly. "You did rather well on your first mission."
"Lightning doesn't strike twice," Leo said snappishly.
"Except when it does," Patty said, not at all ruffled by his temper. She leaned over and put a finger on the ring that sat on Leo's minimus. "This is Jim's, isn't it?" she asked.
"It was his Dad's," Leo said gruffly, watching as Patty's eyes widened.
"Wow." Patty's voice was low and heartfelt as she looked at Leo. "You have to know what this ring really means," she said, "right?"
"He told me that he wanted me to hold onto it for him," Leo said. "That's all."
"Oh, come on!" Patty said. "He gave you what amounts to his most prized possession for safekeeping. He's telling you that he'll always come back to you, marked you with it."
Leo thought about the way Jim touched the ring sometimes, the expression that he got on his face when he looked at it on Leo's hand, and flushed.
"You know what you've always said to me about Jim?" she asked. "I wouldn't bet against him." Patty smiled. "Take your own advice, doctor." She patted his hand and then withdrew her own, returning to her lunch. "And eat up. You're going to need your strength is my guess."
Leo raised his eyebrow at her, but she only smirked at him.
+
By the end of the second debriefing session of the day, Leo was so ready to see the outside of the room that he struggled not to run from it like a kid headed for summer break. He supposed that he should be grateful that this afternoon’s debriefing had been mind-numbingly boring as opposed to grueling, with the Admirals on the panel reviewing the transcripts from the previous week’s depositions and asking for clarification on a number of items, most of them related to his taking command after Dr. Puri’s death. He'd been chastised over some of his answers on paperwork, but he’d stifled the urge to roll his eyes and said ‘yessir’ and had waited, impatiently, until the next question rolled in, while the Admirals scrolled through screens and made the occasional note with their styluses. He had tried not to fidget, or sigh, or to daydream about Jim and their weekend together. Although thinking about that, even briefly, caused his cock to twitch and his stomach to clench with longing, and he'd been forced to think about the most gruesome autopsies he'd ever performed to get control of himself.
He looked around the crowded anteroom, hoping against hope to see Jim's beloved figure somewhere. Unfortunately, instead of Jim he saw Spock, talking to some members of the Admiralty that Leo didn't recognize, his back so rigid that Leo's eyes narrowed. Almost despite himself, he found that he had made his way across the room.
"Commander," he said politely, schooling his expression not to reflect his surprise when Spock turned to him with something that looked like relief, although his posture only relaxed fractionally from its overly formal stiffness.
"Lieutenant Commander McCoy," Spock answered. "Admiral L'Ental, Admiral Sharis, this is Doctor Leonard McCoy, who served as Acting CMO on the Enterprise in its most recent engagement."
The Admirals nodded at Leo, but their glances were more dismissive than friendly.
"Doctor McCoy performed the neurological grafting on Captain Pike," Spock added, and Leo squelched his astonishment at the implied compliment.
"Ah …" one of the Admirals said. "I hear that is likely to be successful in the long run."
"We hope so," Leo said, nodding pleasantly before he asked Spock. "Have you completed your debriefings?"
"For the day, yes," Spock said in his precise fashion. "We reconvene tomorrow morning. And you, Doctor?"
"We're adjourned until further notice," Leo said, "but the debriefing wasn't closed."
Spock nodded. "In case they wish to confer with you on any matter that the Acting Captain or I might bring forth."
"I guess," Leo said. If he and Spock were alone, he might have made further comment on the asininity of the bureaucratic process that was Starfleet, but it was clear that no matter how boring his day had been, Spock's had been grueling. He could only wonder what that meant for Jim. "Have you seen the Acting Captain?"
"No," Spock said. "Although I believe that he is still in Conference Room 1. Forgive me for ending our conversation, Doctor, but I must conclude my discussion with the Admirals. I'll see you on Wednesday?"
"Yes," Leo said grimly. Without thought, he grasped Spock's shoulder and gave it squeeze. It was an utterly illogical move on his part –- not only were he and Spock not really friendly, he'd barely forgiven Spock for stranding Jim on Delta Vega –- but there was something about Spock's posture that let him know that the other man needed the support. "Until then?"
"Yes," Spock said, but he was staring at Leo in a way that made Leo wonder how much information Spock could glean from a touch even without skin to skin contact. "Thank you, Doctor."
Leo nodded and turned away.
+
It was a relief to be in the hospital with its familiar smells of antisepsis. Leo would never say that they were pleasant, but they were olfactory signals of a place he belonged, at least during the work day. The nights were Jim's, and despite Patty's words encouraging him to be hopeful, to trust in Jim's ability to get what he wanted despite the odds, he couldn't help but worry about what he would do, about how empty his life would be, if he were separated from Jim for months at a time.
He synched his PADD at the nurse's station on Pike's floor, getting a download of his latest data that he was reading as he walked into the Captain's room, only stopping on the threshold when he realized that the man was not alone.
"Doctor."
Leo could hear the warmth in the elderly Vulcan's voice, and he wondered if this then, was the true reason for his lack of antipathy toward his counterpart earlier. "Ambassador," he said, "I'm surprised to see you here."
"No doubt," the elder Spock said, "and I'm sure that you wish to confer with the Captain privately. I was merely stopping in to say thanks before I moved on to my next charge."
Leo's confusion was evident in his face, he was sure, if Pike's wry expression was any indicator. "Oh?"
"T'enev is going to be staying at my home in the Mojave," Pike said clearly.
"She's being discharged?" Leo asked with a pang. He'd been meaning to stop in and see the woman, but hadn't found the time to do so.
"It's for the best, Doctor," the Ambassador said with assurance. "And Captain Pike's suggestion is a good one. The peaceful desert environment is not the same as our home, of course, but the similarity will be beneficial, along with the air and the quiet."
"I don't believe it's good for her to go alone," Leo said.
"She will not be," the elder Spock said, "although I will not be staying for more than the night. She travels with a Vulcan healer, and also a Dr. Pak."
Leo's gaze swung over to Pike.
"He needs a break almost as much as he needs to be useful," Pike said with a shrug.
"Indeed," the elder Spock said, grasping Pike's hand with affection and without hesitation. "You will remember what I said, young Christopher."
"I'm unlikely to forget it," Pike said, covering their clasped hands with his free one, before the Ambassador broke away.
"Leo," the Vulcan said, laying his hand on Leo's shoulder. "I shall convey your regards to T'enev." His lips thinned in a manner that Leo chose to interpret as a smile, albeit one that would leave his reputation intact should a member of the staff choose to walk in at that moment.
"Please do," Leo said, reaching up to grasp the elderly man's elbow.
Spock nodded. "It's always a pleasure to see your face, old friend, however briefly." His dark eyes looked into Leo in a way that made him feel that all his secrets were exposed. "And even moreso to see that all is well." He looked at Leo a moment longer. "Yes," he said firmly, then let go of him and moved to the doorway. "As always, gentleman," he said, turning to salute them in the Vulcan fashion from the threshold. "Live long and prosper."
Pike returned the salute, as did Leo unthinkingly, and then he was gone in a swish of the door.
"He's kind of like a superhero, isn't he?" Pike said drily.
Leo turned and looked at him in the bed. "Has he told you much about your alternative self?" he asked, curiously.
"Some, but after a conversation with Jim," Pike said with ill-tempered emphasis. "He's become remarkably closed-mouthed about what he's willing to discuss."
"In Jim's defense," Leo said, "I will say that it was me who postulated the theory that the Ambassador is not from our timeline, a conclusion that the Ambassador came to independently himself."
"Been doing a lot of defending of Jim?" Pike asked, tilting his head to look at Leo.
Leo thought about his response as he reviewed Pike's regenerative progress. "Actually, no," he said, after a minute. "I had to justify my own command decisions after Dr. Puri's death, and my medical decisions in regard to triage and treatment during the crisis, but they haven't really asked my opinion about what we did up there. They did question the fact that I was on the bridge to participate in those discussions, but … other than that, no."
"Conclusions?" Pike asked.
Leo threw up his hands. "I'm hopeless at this kind of shit, Pike," he said. "You tell me."
"My intel says that it's all going to be concluded satisfactorily," Pike said, and then looked down at his legs. "Well. For orders of satisfactorily that include astronomical levels of death and destruction."
Leo bristled. "Meaning?"
"Meaning that Jim is going to get his command, with all that entails," Pike said with emphasis.
"I don't see how anyone in their right mind would –" Leo began.
"Your first mistake," Pike interrupted smoothly, "is to assume that the phrase 'in their right mind' could apply to the Admiralty. Your second mistake is to overlook the importance of the value of the Enterprise crew to Starfleet."
Leo's expression was stony, and he knew it. "PR?" he asked distastefully.
"McCoy," Pike said, as if he were talking to a small child. "It was bad enough when there were seven ships full of experienced hands and promising cadets destroyed out there, but now that we know that the Mayflower was nearby and responded and was destroyed as well …"
Leo nodded. "All those experienced hands," he said gruffly. "I know. I get it."
"Do you?" Pike asked sharply. "Because it's not just about PR –- we are vulnerable, man. And not just Earth, but the Federation itself. The Vulcans may have participated minimally in serving the way Spock –- the younger Spock –- does, but that doesn't mean that we haven't lost diplomats and thinkers, intel, and god, the scientists. If the Romulans want to strike ..." he let that sentence trail off. "Or the Klingons."
"Jesus Christ," Leo said, sitting down heavily.
"Yeah," Pike said. "You're going to be 'graduating' quite soon."
"They're sending us back up there?" Leo knew that it was true, but he needed to hear it said.
"As soon as the Enterprise is ready, and despite the opposition of some members of the Admiralty," Pike said with assurance. "There really is no other choice. But make no doubt about it, McCoy, the Enterprise will be a target, just because of what you're a symbol of."
"You're not going with us, are you?" Leo asked.
"No," Pike said. "But I promise you. I will do everything in my power to support you from down here." Pike's clear gray eyes were focused on Leo. "You have my word."
Leo nodded numbly.
+
Hours later, Leo lay in bed alone, his PADD still on the same screen it had been thirty minutes before when he'd gotten into bed, tired of sitting up and waiting for Jim. After a visibly embarrassed and off-duty casually dressed Christine Chapel had shown up with dinner for herself and Pike, he'd left. He'd gone to the mess and had dinner with Sulu and Chekov, as well as the sad remnants of the KFF, but not Jim, Spock or Uhura. Scotty had waved his sandwich, and then gone back to his conversation which involved drawing on a PADD and yelling with other engineer types including Keenser.
Leo had come back to his room and commed Gram, who appeared to be out for the evening and then he'd tried to watch the news, but gotten disgusted with the coverage of the so-called Narada Incident.
He'd finally gotten in bed to proofread the dissertation that he'd have to be turning in sooner rather than later if Pike was right, but had been unable to focus. He glanced at the chrono in the corner of the screen, displeased to see that it was closing in on 2200 hours and fourteen hours of debriefing for Jim. He had no doubt that was where Jim still was -- especially after his conversation with Pike -- was sure that there were members of the Admiralty that would be petty enough to keep Jim there for hours, simply to prove that they could do so. Tired and hungry as Jim probably was, he was safe, something that Leo wouldn't be able to count on in the near future. Years ago now, he'd told Jim that space was disease and danger, wrapped in darkness and silence. He sighed loudly. He was pretty sure now that he should have reversed the order of those first two.
He shifted in the bed, reaching to drop his PADD on the night stand. He wouldn't sleep until Jim got home, but he was through pretending that he was reading anything. He stretched, and pressed his face into Jim's pillow, deriving some pleasure from the smell of him on their sheets, then stilled, hearing the noise of the lift moving, the sound still unusually loud in the eerie quiet of the mostly empty dorm. A minute later, he heard the sound of Jim's unusually heavy-footed tread as he trudged down the hall, and rolled onto his back again to face the door.
"Hey," Leo said softly as it whisked open to reveal an exhausted-looking Jim, carrying the peacoat he'd already taken off.
"Jesus," Jim complained, toeing off his boots and unzipping his tunic and dropping it on the floor on top of his peacoat as he steadily walked to the bed. He fell face forward onto it, jostling Leo.
"Jim?"
The subject of his query groaned as Leo carded a hand through his hair, his face hidden in his pillow. "I am so fucking tired, Bones," Jim said. His voice was shot, probably from the combination of talking and inadequate hydration.
Leo squeezed the back of Jim's neck and his trapezius muscles. "Did you eat today, Jimmy?" he asked in a low voice. Jim's shrug was the confirmation he needed and he started to shift up and out of the bed when Jim turned with surprising swiftness and pinned him, wrapping his arm over Leo to hold him there, hiding his face in his neck.
"No," Jim said, his voice muffled against Leo. "I need this more than anything else right now."
Leo thought long and hard about arguing with Jim before he decided against it, despite the fact that he hated that Jim was so good at ignoring his body's needs for food and sleep. A lesson he had learned first at the hands of an indifferent caretaker, and then, of course, on Tarsus.
Jim let out a heavy sigh when Leo relaxed and wrapped his arms around his lover. One hand pulled up and squeezed the rigid muscles of Jim's shoulders, while the other pushed up under his undershirt to rub at his back.
"Bones," Jim said in a low groan, his voice slurring.
Leo craned his head back and looked down at Jim, not surprised to see that he was nearly asleep. Jim was never anything other than idiosyncratic, and he supposed that being forced into inactivity for such a long time, having to consistently quell the urge to fidget and to talk back, had been as exhausting for Jim as running a marathon would be for a normal person.
He chuckled at the thought, and Jim shifted and muttered against him, making a whistling noise through his nose that Leo recognized as a consequence of his allergies. He couldn't help that his smile broadened at the soft sound, at all the pieces of secret knowledge that he alone knew about Jim Kirk. Jim might be famous because of what had happened in the past week, and maybe more stories about his past would come out, anecdotes of what he'd been like as a child or an angry teenager. But here, where it was just the two of them, all those opinions were meaningless, because here and now, no one other than Leo would know these things, would be allowed these intimacies.
He stroked one hand through Jim's hair and smoothed the other over the satiny skin on his lower back. If what Pike had said was right, and he had no reason to suppose that it wouldn't be, he needed to learn to revel in the time that they had now, to learn how to be in the moment and stop worrying so much about what was to come. Life was short, Winona had said to him.
He shifted Jim so that he could feel the beat of Jim's heart against his bicep. It wouldn't make much difference if Jim ate now or a few hours from now. And besides, he'd be here when Jim woke up to make sure that he was fine. Leo closed his eyes and let the steady drumbeat of Jim's heart lead him to sleep.
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